Life is rough at times.

Life at the Frisbey house has been rough lately. It has been a little overwhelming having gone through Karmindy's surgery last weekend and not getting the news that we had hoped for. I have really taken it hard and to be told that Karmindy will most likely have to go through another open heart surgery is suffocating. My heart breaks over this.  It is a heart break that I don't think can ever be mended until I hear the news that Karmindy is healed. The last open heart surgery was physically, mentally and emotionally draining for our family. It seems like we have been in survival mode for the last three years in hopes of hearing good news and putting an ending to this very hard trial. Good news was not received last weekend. I feel like it is hard to keep going and press forward not know what the future holds for my precious little girl.

My mind can't help but race and think about the "what if's" of this trial. I try very hard to be positive about Karmindy's future but I am sure the adversary takes delight in playing on my fears. Is it bad to be resentful when you see so many people around you having babies in your neighborhood and ward and hear someone complain about minute things like the baby's sex, or  nursery colors? It doesn't seem fair to me when other's complain about these things when all I have ever wanted is healthy kids that get to lead healthy lives. It is hard to not let the anger creep in and destroy you especially when I want to yell and say, "Things could be worse than getting a boy instead of a girl, or I would trade the exhausting job of picking out paint chips for a nursery than having to go through watching  my child suffer in pain or even death of the result of having another open heart operation. I try to be sensitive however to those individuals who are having a hard time with baby's sexes or paint colors or what not because maybe that is their trial. 

It is especially hard to think that my little girl might not get to grow up with the numerous other little girls in our neighborhood and ward. How hard would it be to watch the other girls grow up and do great things if Karmindy can't or won't have the opportunity to. I dont' want to lose my daughter. I have hope and faith that I won't but it is those "what if's" that haunt me all the time. 

Also, I feel so much guilt from other's for only having two children and just tending to the two that I have. I think about throwing another baby into the mix right now and I just don't think I could give it or my other kids the care/attention that they all deserve and be mentally sound. Especially if more heart surgeries or other health trials present themselves.  I don't know if I struggle with this because all my life I have had it drilled into my head to have a big family. What if I can't have a big family? I have fulfilled the commandment of Multiplying and replenishing the earth but why don't I feel like it isn't good enough? I know that I have learned so much from having gone through surgery after surgery with Karmindy.

 I have learned a lot from this huge trial. One lesson being to enjoy the "right now." I truly enjoy seeing my kids achieve and learn new things and grow on a daily basis. I have also learned to be grateful for what I have because even though this is extremely hard for me, someone out there in this world has always got it worse than me. I guess the hardest part is trying to wrap my brain around what is meant to be and what is my Heavenly Father's will will come to pass. I just really, really want more than anything for Karmindy to be able to grow up and have a happy and full life and get to experience life's joy's  like school, friends, family, dating, marriage and having her own family. 

I know Karmindy has a ton of spunk and feistyness in her to beat this and overcome this huge obstacle in her life. I just pray that Heavenly Father will give me the strength to except what ever the future holds when it comes to my sweet little Karmindy.